Most know Maxine Finch for her roles in government politics and independent journalism, having been state rep at one point, run for lieutenant governor, and worked for and alongside various news corporations to bring the citizens of San Andreas the scoop on a broad scope of topics. Some know her as that one weird but fun friend who always brings something unique (as well as her rat plushie)[Mak’s note: Sorry Max!] to parties and events.
Yet, throughout my time spent with her in the past few months, I’ve learnt that there is more to Maxine Finch than meets the eye. While her years of experience in politics and journalism has allowed her to maintain a positive and respectable public image, I’ve discovered that her professional face is a cover for some of her darkest secrets. Today, I will be reporting on those secrets that no one was ever meant to discover because I believe that transparency is in order, especially regarding public figures who are known and loved by so many.
The first may not come as much of shock to anyone who has spent enough time with Maxine to join her on a drive around the city. The real reason that the ex-state rep has been often seen chauffeured about to her meetings and events instead of driving herself is not because she dislikes driving or is lazy. You heard it here first, folks, Maxine Finch is a fearsomely terrible driver whose recklessness on and off the road has claimed many a victim and even more light poles and street signs.
Some victims of her abhorrent driving claim that the only reason she was able to obtain a driver’s license is that her driving instructor had narcolepsy and was asleep throughout her driving examination. Others say that she had a body double step in to take the driving test for her as it would be too shameful to not have a driver’s license in a city where your ride reflects your social status.
But the only thing I can tell you for sure from my own personal traumatic experiences is that with Maxine at the wheel, the vehicle will most definitely need a wear and tear at the end of the trip. I have seen my life flash before my eyes every time I’ve been seated in a vehicle as a passenger and see her step into the driver’s seat. My supply of repair kits has begun to drain ever since I began driving around with Maxine, every crash and spin out requiring a repair or two in order to get the car started up again.
There have even been times when the car had suffered far too much damage beyond basic repair and we ended up needing to hitchhike or call up a friend for a pickup. I sincerely believe that for the sake of public infrastructure and safety (as well as her own), Maxine Finch needs to have her driver’s license revoked and to be re-evaluated before she is ever allowed behind the wheel once more. “She walks like she drives” an anonymous individual commented on the matter.
Her other dark secret that is much less apparent and very few have ever caught a glimpse of is the follicular state of Maxine Finch’s scalp. If you’ve ever admired her hair thinking it looked too glossy and too perfect to be real, that’s because it is, in fact, a very well-made wig. Whether Maxine is bald by choice for comfort reasons or lacks hair on her head due to mysterious conditions is still unknown, but there are witnesses who can testify that they have seen Maxine with her regular platinum blonde haircut one second, bald the next, then back to her regular appearance.
Some may recall the time Maxine posted a selfie [Note: Not the image above] on Twitter showcasing her new look, a freshly shaven head that shocked and upset many adoring fans of her iconic hairstyle. Yet, the very next day, she announced that it had been a prank and claimed the picture to have been a fake, having expertly donned a bald cap as a joke. But perhaps it had been a test to see how the public might have reacted if Maxine had revealed herself to be bald, and upon seeing the shocked and less than flattering comments, she decided against it.
It is greatly possible that Maxine Finch’s two darkest secrets are in fact correlated, as some have hypothesized that the shiny reflection off Maxine’s bald head beneath the wig interferes with rearview mirror visibility when she drives. Yet, if you ask Maxine yourself, she will deny all these claims, pull her wig on even tighter, and hop back into her car, driving extremely slowly so as not to crash before she’s out of sight. Perhaps someday you too will have the misfortune of commuting as her passenger or catching a glimpse of her bald head. Even so, I think we can all agree that these quirks just add onto her unique personality and Maxine shouldn’t have to hide being a bald bad driver from her friends and adoring fans because we would still love her all the same.
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