Hello fantastic readers of Useless news, today I bring you something a little different and that is two comic strips! One featuring how I got hired into the company to be able to write what you are reading today and the second my very first scoop of chaos in the city.
So who am I you may ask? Well I am Effie Macintosh, beauty therapist by day and scribbler in my free time. However in this case, I was lucky enough to have my scribblings land me this very position, as the official illustrator for Useless news. So without further ado, enjoy the two comics underneath, each with their own contextual blurbs.
Issue no:1 "How I got Hired"
As you can see, I was riding around on my majestical pink electrical bicycle when Rowan pulled up to discuss taxes. I had previously asked if there was such a thing as "tax exemptions" so he tracked me down, we discussed but sadly I was found lacking all the requirements! So after he ate my only lollipop ( r.i.p. lolly ), I instead offered him a drawing which he ended up loving. I only had two minutes to draw the entire thing as he timed me which I totally wasn't sweating at all...Upon completion, he threw it up on yeeter and Bill Smith the man himself saw it! Swiftly exiting off the back of a bike, offering me a job and that brings to the end of this very short "how I got hired story".
Issue no:2 "PD, 1 good, 1 bad"
It was drawing up to the evening and I was roaming around the streets of Los Santos on one of my aimless bike rides, when to the side of PDM I see a crap ton of lights! Sadly no wee woos or sirens but still the lights were pretty. Upon further inspection i.e. staring from across the road, there was at least three police cars and eventually a SAFR ambulance that pulled up. All boxing in around a crashed out blue car with a man being pulled from the wreckage. If that wasn't intriguing enough, half the officials there were in full hazmat gear while two police remained un suited and unmasked.
Which begs the question, what were they dealing with? Dangerous enough to need a full hazmat but not dangerous enough for two extra's to assist in their regular everyday gear! Cross contamination questions could be raised? Sadly I had only arrived to the tail end of this debacle however, two gentleman down the street to the side had been standing watching throughout the entire thing.
All meanwhile the curious danger of half hazmat not hazmat situation was unfolding, two everyday civilians of Los Santos got dealt a harsh hand by the local PD who were clearly feeling stress from the scene.
The man who wishes to be known as "Kevin Spencer" was making his way over to the containers just outside PDM to commence a drop off, when he was interrupted by the police. Swiftly being told to "fuck off" with his box of recycled booze and leave the area, leaving poor Mr. Spencer with quite a pickle to deal with. Being in the goods transit business, his boss has been cracking down on late or length delivery times, so when he tried to bring up this subject to the police, he was simply told his boss can file a complaint.
Worried for not only his job but also his ability to keep food on the table via his wages, he picked up another box and attempted a sneaky drop-off, only to be screamed at once again! The humanity! Feeling rather low and desolate, he took refuge inside his car and indulged in a variety of recreational drugs to pass the time. Stating to us at Useless news that he feels the PD themselves are actually responsible for the uptake in the drugs trade. When asked why, he replied with saying that if he cannot work, he must simply find other things to pass the time and drugs are as good as any, if the PD hadn't stopped him working, he wouldn't have needed the drugs. So it's become a supply and demand situation.
In light of all the emotional distress Mr.Spencer underwent that evening, expressing he was a human and not just a monkey in a cage, this story does indeed have a happy ending! While waiting inside his car, he came across a unexpected friend. The friend came in the form of a man named "The dancing king" or officially "BABB", a man who is believed to be a one man dancing tribute to abba however he would like us here at Useless news to note he can't sing or play any instruments, only dance.
After this fascinating discovery, Mr.Spencer himself pipped up and said he is also a one man tribute act to Liam Gallagher from Oasis and has had facial surgery done to look more like him. The only thing that remains of his natural face is the butt chin. Dedicating his life to living it exactly as Liam would have, in his own words "After this working shift, I am going to buy crystal meth and see where the day takes me". Determined to do all the drugs Liam did back in the 90s, he stated apart from being horribly depressed, very anxious and addicted to everything, he's absolutely loving life because Oasis is back together!
For the remainder of the interview, they laughed and joked together and even had a moment of spontaneous dance. So it just goes to show that you truly can meet your friends in the strangest of places and when you least expect it. And that silver linings are everywhere, did he get shouted at by the police, yes? But did that also lead him to meeting his new bestie, also, yes!
We here at Useless news would like to thank you very much for reading, we hope you have enjoyed this article and we send our best wishes to them both wherever they may be today.
P.S. If you happen to see BABB in the street, he's also looking for a guitarist, a drummer and a person that can play either the triangle or the spoons.
Effie Macintosh out x
Have you got a story you think would make a good comic? Feel free to let me know ^.^
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