Oh Legion, how I hate everything about you, yet I love you. A place where the biggest events are held, where people congregate for fun, mischief and chaos. I’m Mak Calhoun and this article serves as my adventures in Legion square during the late hours of the night.
It all started two months ago when I kept hearing about all the weird happenings and shenanigans that go on in front of the bank at Legion when most people are already asleep. I’d sit on top of my car, writing various articles while waiting for something interesting to happen. It sounds like you’re waiting for a miracle, yet Legion always fulfills your wishes and brings along something fun.
Most days, you’ll find Legion square to be packed with businesses trying their hardest to sell you on overly expensive foods, plushies, collectibles and sometimes even illegal items in the dark alleyways that plague the city. Other days though, you’ll notice that Legion is an empty and desolate area, void of all humans around. You might even feel like you’re the only one that exists in this hostage hot-zone. But sometimes, rarely, you find true beauty in this wasteland we call Legion, with the majority of this beauty found in what is commonly known as the degen hours.
The Hostage in the Yellow Taxi
My first experience during degen Legion was sitting around on my motorcycle and chatting with my friend Maxine Finch when I suddenly got a phonecall from a strange number. He asked if I was hiring for Useless News, which naturally I never hire unless someone meets our standards (really dumb and funny). I told him to apply on our website and I’ll get back to him, then hung up and continued some stupid conversation with Maxine. After a few minutes, I saw the same name on Yeeter that the person used on the phone when they tried to apply to Useless News. It was Leeroy Biffins with his weird, free yellow taxi van that he drove around. Apparently he had kidnapped [INSERT NAME] as a “revenge against DoCL” for shutting down his unregistered business. I realized it was him and, wanting to shoot someone honestly, I called him back and asked him to do an interview in Legion. He told me he’s busy and that he can’t, so I told him that we could make this his first big story being shut down by DoCL and reverting to violence for revenge. He agreed and hung-up, and only a few short moments later, he arrived with the woman in the passenger seat of his signature yellow taxi, which I immediately tried holding him up but he drove off. I gave chase in my motorcycle, keeping up while also popping three of his four tires, but this was my biggest mistake. After his third tire turned to dust, he slammed on the breaks causing me to crash into him and flew off my bike like the moron I am.
Thankfully his van broke down and I managed to run towards him and give him one last chance to surrender. He got out of his car and pulled out a bat, and I was so battered and bruised that one strike would surely knock me off my feet. So like any good officer being met with a blunt weapon, I fired half my entire clip into his chest to avoid a small bruise on the head and guarantee my win in this otherwise useless fight. I should apply for the Police Department honestly. With that, the chase was over, but someone was following close behind and picked up the hostage in the passenger seat. They both escaped while I painfully picked up my poor, destroyed bike and drove off as I heard sirens approaching. I returned to Ms. Maxine Finch and continued on with life, slouched over and in pain but with something to write about for once.
The Shooting of Cameron Soap
I was enjoying my lunch across from the bank in Legion Square. For those who actually care, it was two tacos with guacamole, pico, beef, cheese and sour cream. Across the street, I saw a man from the corner of my eye at the bank, but I was too focused on my taco that I really didn’t care. I mean, why would I? It wasn’t important until a car full of people pulled up to the man and shot him down right in broad daylight, so as soon as I saw that… I continued eating my tacos as it really wasn’t worth putting down this delicious combo of a taco meal. They drove off leaving the man’s body behind, and only a few minutes later did two cars full of people asking me if I saw anything. I explained my situation to them: I was eating a taco and could not fully focus on the shooting infront of me. Like true lads, they understood completely and they drove off. Some time later, I saw the same cars chasing the one that shot Mr. Cameron Soap at the bank, shooting out the tires and all four passengers in the vehicle. I guess revenge is best as quick as possible.
The Silent Alarm
A usual night in Legion Square: A few people dancing around with music only draws in more and more people attempting to find a bit of fun in this desolate place we call San Andreas. Some gather for food, some for dancing, some don’t know why they are here (Like me). But one man in particular decided to use this opportunity to his best interest. While all the commotion and detractions happened with the music across the street, a lone burglar began breaking into the bank across the street, lockpicking his way into the tellers’ booth and cracking the register. Of course after I saw this, I helped the man by watching out for police, and sure enough I heard sirens arriving nearby, so my new partner-in-crime quickly hid behind the teller’s stalls and I walked across the street to watch the chaos unfurl.
I actually never saw the officer’s arrest the man or have any kind of chase, so I believe his silent little thievery actually paid off for once!
Well that’s it for now everyone. I’m trying to get back into the groove of things and wanting to return to Useless News, but not everything can last forever I suppose. I’m hoping to get an article out more often but news has been dry, even for useless standards. As always, if you have anything you’d like posted up on our website, feel free to contact me! All articles are free now (excluding government campaigns).
This was Useless News’ 69th article 🙂
Comments