Hello and welcome back to the second comic segment brought to you by Useless news! In todays piece we bring something fishy, a little bit potatoey and definitely very boozy. Many of us like a good drink of the ol' kidney poison but the true question is, when is it time to stop? I was fortunate enough to have a discussion with those on duty at the time, down at "A salt n Battered" fish and chip shop on the vespucci beach front.
When I reached the beach shack, I was greeted by a pirate named Loki, Minnie and a Krystal who were all guarding the treasure chests of fried goodies. Feeling my tummy grumble, I ordered some of their finest chippies, a deep fried choccie bar and a drink, only to be shocked by what came next!
There was a moment of silence where all was still and neither three employees moved and then the silence was broken by the dastardly pirate Loki. Spewing seaworthy threats of violence from his mouth, he lifted up the bottle of booze in his hand and brandished it at his sister Minnie. Pirate Loki's words were and I quote "Get to work else I'll smash this bottle over your head!" , fearing for the safety of her scalp, Minnie dashed into the kitchen to retrieve my order. A cone of chippies, a deep fried chocci bar and a drink to wash it down with, which were all equally delicious despite being made under threats of violence.
We here at Useless news stand with the people and unjust treatment in the workplace, so our reporter on scene bravely dived into the den of chaos to ask some investigative questions. Upon questioning pirate Loki he said and I quote "For legal reasons it's plastic so its okay" and then invited our reporter to flick the bottle to test it. Our scientific results showed it was indeed plastic which further thickens the plot...Filling up a plastic bottle with booze so no one would suspect the double bluff of it actually being booze and not fruit juice in a fake bottle. Loki the pirate? OR LOKI THE GOD OF MISCHIEF AND DECEPTION?!
After bringing up our definitely legitimate and 100% accurate theory, Loki himself replied with "They are onto me". If that's not self incrimination, I don't know what is.
The conversation between Useless news and the trio continued, peppered in with drunken slurs and mumbles that could barely be understood until one such statement emerged.
"We don't do just any vinegar here, we do whiskey vinegar"
While we all have different tastes and preferences on what we like to put on our chips as seasonings, we were appalled to here that the whiskey vinegar handed out had no disclaimers of intoxication! Which meant Loki himself could be held liable for dosing the masses of Los Santos without their knowledge...Most concerning.
In the midst of this chaos, his sister Minnie and friend/employee Krystal came to his aid, trying to convince him to give up the bottle. Moments after placing down the bottle, he snuck away to the bathrooms temporarily and came back quite literally a new man. Whereas he once spoke gruff with a sailors undertone, he now sounded elegant and refined and told us his name was actually Logan.
Perplexed at this sudden change of identity, we probed deeper to hear him regaling us with a tale of how A salt n Battered has been a long time family business. Rebooted by his brother Charlie and that his all time absolute favourite is a juicy Yorkshire wrap which has immense flavours of the beautiful gravy. We can of course only conclude that the lack of bottle in his hand and grog in his belly has inflicted upon this poor pirate some sort of reverse personality amnesia!
With a crack in his voice and a scream from his lungs, he darted back into the safety of the bathroom cubicles, leaving our reporter with only Minnie and Krystal left to converse with. That of which proved as equally entreatingly curious. Krystal herself stood before our reporter pointing to all the different patches of grass in front of their Vespucci Beach shack stall that she liked and had indeed deemed her favourite. All of which looked relatively the same but we did not have the heart to share such earth breaking news with her at the time.
On said patches of grass there was also several palm trees which she also loves, when asked why she had this to say:
"I'm here, I'm there! I'm everywhere!"
When it became Minnie's turn for a statement, she was perhaps mentally pre-occupied over recycling at the time as this was her comments:
"Can't put me in the trash, i'm not pink or blue"
"I don't have blue hair"
"I'm blue, da ba dee da ba di"
"If it's blue, it goes into the recycling"
It is said when we find our minds going blank and quiet, its in these moments we have time for reflection and after such a stimulating conversation, we here at Useless news were deep in thought! Will Loki ever recover from his posh pirate amnosia? Will Krystal ever find a singular patch of perfect grass? And when is pissed, too pissed indeed?
Addiction to any sort of vice, be it grass, bins or alcohol can be a life altering circumstance to be in.
So we here at Useless news would like to thank you very much for reading, we hope you have enjoyed this article and we send our best wishes to them all in their time of need.
Effie Macintosh out x
Have you got a story you think would make a good comic? Feel free to let me know ^.^
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