Yes, you read right, your beloved convenience store slushies are no more. No one knows when exactly the slushie corporations of San Andreas decided to cancel their contract with 24/7 stores statewide, but as of right now, Burgershot holds the monopoly over slushies, being the only place where you can buy them for an up charged retail price.
Prior to this devastating change, slushies were available to purchase from the self-serve slushie machines in 4 classic flavors – blueberry, lime, cola, rainbow, as well as the jumbo-sized Sludgie™️, a staple in everyone’s childhood memories. Yet, if you were to check those same slushie machines now, you’ll find empty and desolate slushie tanks with remnants of what was once a popular sweet sensation.
Useless News decided to investigate this deeply distressing drink dilemma to find out just how hard this slushie drought has hit the residents of San Andreas and what can be done about it. Along with independent journalist and rat enthusiast Maxine Finch and slushie expert and owner of Moonverse Lulu Moon, we drove around the city to ask anyone we came across what they thought and if they would join us in our petition for the return of our beloved brainfreezes.
Our first interviewee was Mia Dawson, a friendly but confused employee of Caked Up who was unaware of the statewide slushie shortage but was nonetheless surprised and horrified to hear of their disappearance. “That’s terrible,” she replied, “I hope they bring them back soon”. When asked about how she felt about Burgershot’s sudden and cold hearted monopoly over all slushies, Mia told us that it was sad and shouldn’t be allowed.
When called into the scene to add on to Ms. Dawson’s opinion on the icy crisis, Lulu Moon, coincidentally part of the management team at Burgershot, proclaimed, “Down with Burgershot”, proving that even those employed at the popular fast food chain are against their unreasonable greed for slushies.
Next, we came across a duo hanging out at Legion Square who frustratedly voiced their disappointment in Burgershot’s slushie scandal. “Why does only Burgershot get to sell slushies? I thought Ari’s Deli sells slushies. Isn’t that like a monopoly? I thought monopolies were usually frowned upon”, the unnamed individual in a neon blue and white mask inquired. Upon hearing their passionate outburst, Lulu Moon was rendered speechless when called in to comment.
The mystery masked individual then went on to recall the last time they had a slushie, a bittersweet memory of childhood mischief when they stole a slushie because they were thirsty. Thanks to Burgershot and the slushie corporations of San Andreas, no more such nostalgic memories can be created until the shortage is addressed.
Deeply saddened and disheartened from seeing how much suffering the lack of slushies has caused our friends and fellow city folks first hand, we ended the day on a solemn note with a moment of silence for slushies past, present, and future. What will become of our summer days without affordable and convenient slushies available around every corner? Only time will tell, but for now all we can do is hope that Burgershot and the slushie corporations of San Andreas will grow a conscience and return our slushies while sipping on plain old canned soda.
Maxine Finch is currently an independent journalist working for various news companies. She is a friend of everyone at Useless News, however, she is not employed here.
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